David

Self Care

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I have always been a news nerd. I want to be in the know and be aware of what is happening in my neighbourhood, my country, and the world. I consider it a responsibility to keep myself informed. I had all the news channels and I would have one of them running in the background while I was doing chores around the house. I’ve always been a subscriber to the local newspaper wherever I live. It has been that way for as far back as I can remember. As a young kid I even delivered those newspapers.

When I was a long haired 1970’s spaced out teenager I had opinions about politics and the world that my friends thought were antithetical to the way I looked and behaved. I’ve always thought it was important to stay informed. I still do but it’s getting very difficult to digest without causing myself some damage. There’s a certain amount of anxiety that goes along with that knowledge – especially in these very dangerous times when disinformation is disseminated without safety for those whom disagree.

My neighbour wants to cross my property line and take the vegetables from my garden. He says the line is imaginary. He says he wants them and he’ll try to destroy me if I don’t let him take them. If he’s hungry I will give him some but that’s not what he really wants. I thought we were friends and I’ve always helped him when he needed me. What will he do next.

It is important for my own health to take time to divest from all that stress and return to zero. My practice allows me to do that but it’s not as easy as it used to be. It takes a ritual to get to the point where I can start. So that I’m ready as I can be to enjoy the benefits of what I hope is about to happen. I hope not to be thinking about all those worries that surround me from external and or internal sources.

Ritual has a sound of something ancient that is baked in some rich cultural ancestry. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be a simple repetitive process that prepares you for a successful practice. Successful probably means something different for you than me. For me it’s simple. I want to feel comfortable doing the asanas while breathing calmly. If those two elements happen then divesting can begin. While on my mat the world and all its problems fade away. (If there is something deeply personal then nothing works until the issue is resolved).

Because I home practice my ritual has changed. When I get up (varies) I drink a glass of water go downstairs turn on the baseboard heater and head back upstairs. I will read while an hour passes by and then head downstairs and get on my mat. I stand purposely at Samasthitih (equal standing) push my feet into the mat and bring prayer hands up to my face. I take three calm slow breaths. Then AUM, chant the Sanskrit invocation, then AUM again.

Yes prayer hands bothered me at first because it’s opposite of who I am. But it’s a process and how I was taught which I’m very thankful. That is why I do it – it’s an acknowledgment of my teachers and my teachers teachers. I do it with honour.

Surya Namaskar (Sun Salutations) is the beginning of my asana practice and my first opportunity to breathe with movement. The amount of asanas that follow can vary but it is mostly consistent. Pranayama finishes off practice then rest is required.

I’m very lucky that I was taught a process to temporarily free myself of life’s hard parts. It helps keep me mentally healthy. Twelve years ago I’m sure that was not part of my endeavour when I first started. I had no intention of being here where I am now and had no idea how valuable those lessens would be.

I sign off many of my posts with the Sanskrit word Ahimsa which means to cause no harm to others or oneself. At this moment the world and my neighbour seems to be hell bent on doing the opposite of that. Practice takes care of me which allows me to take care of someone else. Imagine a world if we all did that.

Be love

Did I Write That

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Did I write that

Occasionally I look at the back end of this blog to see what you are reading. The system allows me to see that info and from what area of the world you are logging on from. It amazes me how far reaching this little tiny blog goes around this planet.

I started this blog over five years ago and it is interesting that some of you are reading stories about me practicing Ashtanga Yoga as far back as twelve years ago. It’s informational for me because I have changed how I practice. I’m still committed but my commitment is much more aware. There is a certain knowledge and maturity that exists while I’m on my mat that was not there back then. I’ve progressed without intention. And it is reassuring that I’m still getting on my mat and travelling through that set series of asanas. Even as I live with MS and all the baggage that entails.

But I’ve learned to just get on the mat, and see where it takes me. That is different from when I first started. It is slightly nuanced by how I think about what I am accomplishing. The accomplishment is the act itself. It’s not about how many asanas or how long I practice for it’s about I’m here on my mat seeing where today takes me. The rest takes care of itself. I don’t prejudge myself I don’t make assumptions of what I can accomplish today I just start.

It’s an optimistic kinder approach to the process. It’s different because I’ve learned that if I don’t practice; my MS gets worse. Over the years and in my previous stories I’ve written about my discoveries as I continued my practice. The physical benefits are outwardly noticeable. I can prove I’m stronger and more flexible. That my memory is actually available and works. That I’m more calm and more confident in terms of attitudes, opinions, and encounters. I know who I am, I know what works, and that is expressed on and off the mat. It’s a basic knowledge of my own capabilities, how far I go into the practice, and the twelve years of continuing to express myself on my mat. It’s as if my will is generated from a deeper calmer inner peace. It’s a way different feel and that is a learned experience from when I first started.

I believe part of that is due to Pranayama. It is now a totally integrated part of my practice. It’s no longer an afterthought or add on as it was back then. It has become natural, normal, and necessary. I don’t think about it as separate any more it’s part of my practice. My breath is getting deeper, slower, and longer. My lung capacity is definitely improving. It’s another subtlety that is improving without intent. It’s an inner peace that self generates.

So if you read those past stories be aware that I was and am still on a journey. I am still learning and getting more comfortable with where I am on my mat and in life. They are by-products of each other. This all may sound overly deep and somewhat unsubstantiated but twelve years ago I started a process to improve myself physically. It’s a journey that I continue to take and I continue to write about. But as you can see it is much much more than just physical.

And to answer the question: yes I did write that and where I was then is not where I am now. The difference is that now, I believe in the why.

Ahimsa

Yoga Journey #53

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Let go

Approximately three and a half years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Several months after that I had my prostate removed. A couple of months after that I got sepsis from a stuck kidney stone that had turned infectious. In that second hospital stay I was finally informed that they got all the cancer out with the prostate (it was Covid time and it took a very long worrisome time to get those results from my prostate removal biopsy). A few months after that I had another stuck kidney stone which also required surgery to remove. And all the while I still have MS.

Before prostate surgery I weighed 154 pounds and practice was full primary. Today I weigh 162 pounds and practice is about half primary. It has taken almost three years just to get to this point. I did not rush it (obviously) and there were a couple of other stops and starts along the way.

I let my body inform my progress. I did not push myself other than to get on the mat. It’s that simple. Even if I just sat on it I was there. I made the trip from upstairs to the basement. It literally started as one sun salutation. The next day I did two – it was all I could muster. I had no time frame I just knew I had to start.

The hardest part is to begin. I had no goals no targets no absolutes. I just knew I had to start. I would fantasize about what I wanted to accomplish but it was never an objective. The objective is to get on the mat. I will start and see where that takes me. That to me is an important distinction of the end point. There isn’t one.

My practice informs me of where I can go. What I’m able to do and what I’m not willing to try. But I may be willing to try it down the road. The beauty of practice is that it’s a progression. Each asana informs the next asana and I listen to what my body is telling me. It’s an understanding that time is of no consequence. I’m not on a schedule. However by default I am progressing. But it’s not required – it’s not a goal it’s a simple mindset that frees discovery.

My practice continues to evolve. I still follow the sequence but I leave out some asanas. I know I’m not ready for them yet and I may never be ready. I let my body inform me of what and what not to do. I’m proud that I have the capability to understand yoga enough to prescribe for myself – thank you my teachers. I hope that does not mean I have a fool for a client – ha.

Two and half years ago I was able to do only one sun salutation and to be honest it was not easy. But I started. As I write this I now get on my mat three to five times a week. My practice is 25 minutes standing asanas, 23 minutes sitting asanas, and 21 minutes pranayama. That’s an evolution without a destination. Kinda like the universe it just keeps on expanding without destiny.

I’ve always been a results oriented person. My career depended on that mindset. One of my responsibilities was to manage a group of project managers. Deadlines, goals, milestones are top of job. But those were requirements of outside influences that were imposed on me. And I in turn imposed on someone else.

I no longer have outside influencers. Be them job related or health related. The health one still exists but on the mat it is just me with all my encumbrances. I’ve realized I’m finally free. Free to evolve at my own pace. My ego no longer plays a role in progression. I simply enjoy where my practice takes me physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s an awakening of if I just let go; I will go further than ever before.

Ahimsa

Yoga Journey #52

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Goals

She shoots she scores GOOOOOOAAL! No not that kind. The kind where we identify a target and do what we can to get there.

When I was young after finally getting myself sorted out. One of my goals was to own a house. It was a short term goal but also a long term plan to secure retirement. I took the steps needed to achieve that goal. I worked hard and made enough money to buy a house that was in terrible shape – the worst house on the street. It was a small two bedroom one bath house. It cost $45,000 – imagine that.

The bathroom was so small that I had to open the door and skootch around it to get in. Close the door then sit on the toilet. While on that toilet the door knob lined up perfectly with my mouth. One day I forget to lock the door and of course someone opened it while I was on that toilet and knocked out one of my teeth.

After that incident my brothers and I moved the back wall and installed a new bathtub which made the room bigger. There were many other projects and I slowly renovated that house and eventually sold it and purchased a better house. And that process continued from house to house (six times) until this last renovated house. My renovation days are now done and I am enjoying all that work that has previously occurred.

I’ve posted about goals before and my experience and opinion is that goals are not a good thing for a yoga journey. I’ve tried it that way and found out it’s opposite to what the journey is about.

I’ve done dumb things like putting timelines on achieving certain asanas such as Urdhva Dhanurasana (backbend). I even had a log book about it. I would write down what I did and if it felt better or worse. I was trying to find out what I was doing wrong. What I was doing wrong was trying to match my ego to my ability. Funny thing with that is my ego did not recognize that I have MS either. Sometimes it still doesn’t.

I used to get angry at myself when I could not do that backbend. I once swore out loud in class – not that loud but loud enough for me to hear – kinda under my breath (don’t think anyone heard me?). My form or understanding of success then has dramatically changed. It’s a lesson that age and yoga continues to teach me. Notwithstanding I am a Taurus – fixed, earth, stubborn. Also patient, sensual, and gentle – gotta add some good stuff in there – ha.

After having said all that I must admit I do have one yoga goal. That is to get on my mat as often as I possibly can. That’s the real battle the one going on in my head. There is always a reason not too. I’m finding that if I get on the mat that is the win. I’m there, I’m present, I’m gonna find out.

It’s not about progression it’s about maintenance. If I don’t keep at it I will start to deteriorate. It’s kinda like the house I’m in. I put all the work in to get it where I wanted it. If I don’t maintain it it’s going to fall into disrepair.

I was that worst house on the street. I did some renovations (asanas) and got to a place where arrival is defined as where I am. I’m maintaining all that work previously done. There is nothing forced, I create no waves, I bask in the space I’ve provided.

And lost no teeth in the process – ha.

Ahimsa

MS Journey #44

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Ashtanga on purpose

MS affects me in many different ways. Some are noticeable to others some are only noticeable to me. Some effects I’m not even sure are MS – could be something else. Who knows and that is another effect of MS not knowing if what is currently happening to me, is actually MS. Some are physical some are cognitive some are sense driven. All are at the very least uncomfortable.

In the MS community we are all impacted differently as I may not experience the same symptoms of another person with MS. Some experience pain some do not. Some experience life threatening symptoms some do not. Some live somewhat normal life spans some do not. We are all different and I may be guilty of comparing my own form of MS with someone else’s version of MS. I am guilty of pushing my opinion that Ashtanga Yoga is beneficial for people with MS. That view may be offensive to those MS’ers whom have a worse version of MS than I do. I am aware of how my success with yoga may be disheartening to those whom have difficulty with it. It can be frustrating at the very least. However this is my experience about how Ashtanga Yoga helped me. My physical, mental, and spiritual condition. My hope is that it helps you too.

Breathing correctly which is taught as part of the Ashtanga practice enables the nervous system to calm and I believe heal itself. This is what I’ve noticed but also others whom teach. One teacher I know teaches breathing in her beginning classes for people with MS. She has noticed within six to twelve months a noticeable reduction of MS symptoms occurs as noted by her MS students.

This is also my experience. I became physically stronger, more flexible, and gained a clearing of my head space. My memory got better and my thought processing became much clearer. I received benefits from being able to respect and notice how I was changing.

One of the most powerful benefits for me was purpose. That may be a benefit that is difficult to understand if you don’t have a debilitating disease. MS is continually taking stuff away from me. Ashtanga started putting stuff back.

While I slowly got worse it’s depressing if I can use that word. You start to believe that there’s no future. I’m just going to waste away. There’s nothing to look forward to. I want to have purpose, I think we all want that don’t we? I want to regard myself as something good that’s moving forward. Accomplishing something. I don’t know any other way.

Ashtanga was that way forward that progression the good that I needed. I now had a purpose, weird eh!

I started learning Ashtanga when I was past my prime. I was also physically at my worst; overweight, pre-diabetic, along with MS in residence. I was in a state of if-this-does-not-work I’m pretty much toast. I would have wasted away. Fortunately though I’ve always had this mind set that all is going to be fine. And it’s been pretty much that way my whole life. So Ashtanga showed up at the exact right time (to be honest coulda happened sooner). I liked it, I enjoyed it, I needed it. So I latched onto to it and gave it all I had.

It helped tremendously that those whom taught me were also positive influencers. They let me go, as they do for everyone, at my own pace. No special treatment other than an understanding of my condition as it would be for anyone with let’s say bad knees, a sore shoulder, or a bleak outlook. It’s a healing process for most everyone.

But it takes time. Time to understand that you’re not alone. Time to believe if you start you will improve. Time to postulate; a future might just exist. We are all built up in our heads and live a life that only each of us are aware of. Ashtanga changes that perspective, that built up persona. You can change your outlook by simply believing it.

I’m not putting anything in my body other than oxygen no meds needed for practice. My hope is you will discover what I did; benefits that go beyond the obvious.

Ahimsa

It’s all relative(s)

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It’s all relative(s)

Even though I’m not a religious person I still enjoy Christmas festivities. The house is decorated inside and out, family are around more often, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, flowers are blooming – it’s an all around happy time of year. Some of those descriptors are not true but you get the idea it’s mostly a fun time.

One of my six kids is a Registered Nurse(RN) and works with addicts and the disadvantaged that mostly live on the streets. She has saved lives and seen lives lost. It’s a very tough job with great highs and some terrible lows. Sometimes she works outreach meaning she goes out on the streets looking for people to help. She is tough as nails and soft as butter but is comfortable and confident with being in that environment where I am most definitely not.

I have a Narcan kit in my car along with my first aid kit. My daughter taught me how to use it but I really don’t know how I’d perform in such a situation. I’d be scared and for sure my heart rate would be through the roof.

At this time of the year it’s kinda hard to think about those whom have less without thinking about how blessed I am. I’m warm, I’m home, I’m comfortable, I’m with family, I’m incredibly lucky. I deal with the daily crap that MS can muster but when I look at that big picture; there is nothing absolutely nothing for me to complain about.

I think about if I was homeless with MS I’d probably be dead by now. Access to medical personnel and medications would be difficult at best. Imagine having to do something as simple as making and showing up for a Doctors appointment. You’d have to be able to keep track of days and time and be able to get to where you need to be.

And let’s say I actually get the meds how do I store them, keep them from going bad, getting lost, or stolen. How do I find comfort on those days when MS is doing its worst. How do I get rest when I need it where do I go to find a place to just be. How do I protect myself from others in such a state.

MS does its business on me but I have support, a roof over my head, food and comfort. At this time of year I think more about those that don’t and that’s what Christmas is really about right. Not just thinking about it but doing something. What can I do to make that persons life just a little bit better, especially now.

MS is a reason to feel distraught and pessimistic about life and what lays ahead. But I don’t because I know I’m way better off even with whatever ails me. There are so many that are in far worse situations and I am able do something to help.

And as I wrote this story I could not figure out how to end it. It took me a long time trying to write this last paragraph. I wanted it to have a positive outcome without making it look like I’m a better person than I am. That is as honest as I can be. I aspire to be that person but currently I am not. I’m just an average person who has come to the conclusion I need to do more.

Ahimsa

Yoga Journey #51

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How I was taught

I first started my Ashtanga journey with three amazing teachers two of whom owned the studio where I first started. It was in an old building on Johnson Street in downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. It was a good sized room, place for about thirty or so mats.

Ashtanga teachers often travel back and forth to Mysore, India to hone their practice and teaching skills with the lineage holder. The two owners of the studio would often go together and leave the third teacher to hold the fort so to speak. And visa versa.

In the beginning I had no understanding of what was happening when the teachers would disappear for one to three months at a time. It was not something that I concerned myself with as this was all new to me. As I learned more about the Ashtanga practice and how seriously it is contemplated I developed a deep respect for what I was learning and how I was being taught. I felt as though I’m learning something more than just a bunch of asanas.

I was taught how to breathe and over time this became intuitive. In my opinion breathing correctly is the most important part of the practice. It allows the spirit to participate in the benefits of the physical requirements. If I can still my body and my mind at the same time that is my form of bliss and the breath is the glue.

Consider breathing quickly without control how do you feel. Agitated, rushed, impatient, occupied. Now consider breathing slowly, deeply, calmly how do you feel. I feel in control, relaxed, calm. If you are in an asana that requires strength or flexibility which method do you think allows efficient more effective completion.

And to be honest it does not happen immediately. I went through the quick shallow loud breaths when I first started. My experience was that I needed to build up the physical part before the breathing part became comfortable. That’s where patience comes in. I got to the point where the more I was in control of my breathing the more relaxed I was in the asana. And the more I was in control of the asana the more relaxed I was in my breathing. One needs the other to be successful.

I was extremely fortunate to be taught Pranayama by Jeff my first teacher. I was honoured to be taught this practice which I maintain to this day. In fact it has become more prominent in my daily practice.

My teachers; Jeff, Harmony, and Rachel always displayed deep respect for what they were taught and how they taught it. I appreciated that knowledge that was passed on to me and I feel comfortable with how it resonates. It has become intuitive, calming, and beneficial. I now know and appreciate something that is mine. It’s been passed on to me and I know what to do with it. It feels good to have learned a practice that has been passed down and I can trace it back to the source. I am truly thankful.

As most if not all Ashtanga Yoga practitioners are aware by now that the lineage holder of Ashtanga Yoga R. Sharath Jois passed away this past Monday. I never met him or had the opportunity to travel to India to study Ashtanga at its source. My teachers made many trips to study under his tutelage and I was a recipient of that knowledge. My teachers honoured his teachings by faithfully passing them onto me and to many many many others.

Parampara is a Sanskrit word that means an uninterrupted row or series, order, succession, continuation, mediation, or tradition. I am a part of that continuation and I’m very grateful and fortunate to have been taught a small sliver of his teachings.

Ahimsa

MS Journey #43

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All shook up continued.

I’m feeling a little guilty about stopping my vegan journey. It was a hard and an easy decision. I thought I’d explain it a little more.

About eleven months ago I decided to eat a plant based diet. I became a vegan and I posted about it on this my blog about yoga and MS. It was in its essence an attempt at possibly feeling better. MS has a far reaching impact on how I feel and I wanted to see if changing to plant based food would improve that.

Veganism is also an extension of my yoga journey. I’m trying not to stereotype here I’m explaining partially how I arrived – all yogis are not vegan far from it. I learned the word Ahimsa in my yoga journey it’s part of yoga philosophy. Ahimsa roughy translated means non violence or not to cause harm to other living beings including oneself. I will admit there is the occasional wolf spider that I will not be so nice too. Scares the bejesus out of me. However Ahimsa is a philosophy I aspire to. So it’s not a stretch to tie Ahimsa to being vegan. But again that was not my reason for choosing to eat plant based food.

I discovered yoga late in my life but I embraced it with all I could muster. It has and continues to be the learning experience of my life. I try to live through that experience and share how it has improved some of my MS symptoms and how it changed how I view life in general. It has had a profound impact so that is why this blog exists.

The vegan extension while living in a non-vegan environment was relatively easy but it’s only been three days since I reverted back to being vegetarian that I’ve realized how constricted I was. It’s work to stay vegan from a choices point of view. In my last post I said that I don’t hang with a bunch of vegans. That statement was meant to indicate that if I did, the process would have been so much easier and inclusive.

As the only vegan in my circle “pressure” was on others to ensure that there was a vegan option when we got together for food. Pressure is a strong word but I think you get what I mean. I have to say that I was made to feel included and for that I am very grateful and appreciative. And there is a reverse to that in I’m the cook in this house and vegan food made its way onto others plates whom are not vegan. Not sure how they felt about that I did not ask.

Why am I going on about this. Well, I also said in my last post that I felt like I betrayed the vegan community. Maybe betrayed is too strong a word – disappointed is probably better. Being vegan to me felt like a responsibility and that is why it took me so long to stop. I’d realized the benefits I was looking for were not happening a couple of months ago. Being vegan, in my mind, was beginning to not be about health but about a cause. That was not what I intended.

Vegan food is delicious, inventive, fresh, and tasty. I love it. I made myself a vegan wrap yesterday morning for breakfast – yummy. As a long time vegetarian I’m almost vegan anyway. Eggs and dairy are everywhere in food and are the biggest toughest part to be vegan from a vegetarian point of view.

And when I went to pick up that muffin for my wife at a non-vegan bakery I stared into that display case and looked at all those amazing delicious looking treats that I can’t eat because of eggs or dairy. And it all came crashing down and in that instant I said to myself this is ridiculous and I got two muffins. One for her and one for me. That was the end of my vegan journey.

In the last couple of days of non veganism I’ve been almost shocked how I no longer have to figure out if my choice is vegan. It’s blown me away. I hadn’t realized how much effort went into figuring out if it’s vegan. It feels almost like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It has been shockingly freeing. Who knew.

After I ate that muffin I started to think about it and I felt a little bit guilty. I don’t like giving up on something but I’m also results oriented. I know I made the right choice. And maybe this post is about making myself feel less guilt and more resolve.

I’ll give anything a try, because MS is relentless in its objective. But I’m relentless in mine.

Yoga helps
Ahimsa
Be kind

MS Journey #42

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All shook up

I was / am looking to solve an unsolvable problem. How do I make myself feel better. MS has such a comprehensive approach to messing with my mind and body. We MS’ers all learn to live with it but it would be awesome if we didn’t have to. What a dream that would be.

In pursuit of that dream I’ve tried CBD, prescription drugs to make my legs work better, participated in research projects, prescribed drugs to slow the progress, tried out different naturopathic methods, paleo type diet which included eating animal organs, veganism, yoga, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t remember. Yoga is the only one that has shown results.

But the topic of this blog is veganism. Eleven months ago I took an opportunity to eat like a vegan. Yesterday I stopped. For eleven months I was strict about eating only plant based food. I identified as a vegan.

When I went into a coffee shop I’d order a coffee with plant based milk and I ask if they had anything vegan to eat. Sometimes I’d get that look; what? Sometimes there’d be that chocolate brownie that looks like it’s been there a while. And sometimes I’d hear everything is vegan. At restaurants I figured out a way to eat vegan even if they had nothing vegan on the menu. We have some vegan restaurants where I live but I don’t hang with a bunch of vegans. I’m singular in my company.

I do the cooking in the house so when I became vegan it was relatively easy. My wife and I were / are both vegetarians. So most nights we’d eat the same thing. On others if I made salmon for my wife I make falafel for me surrounded with a bunch of vegetables. I would say that my wife’s diet was somewhat impacted by my choice to become vegan. But she still ate healthy.

Pizza night was the most depressing for me as it’s kinda a family tradition to have pizza on Saturday night and I have a pizza oven. Family comes over but my pizza without cheese sucks. And it’s not fun sitting at dinner while watching pizza with cheese being devoured.

For about two months now I’ve been evaluating if a vegan diet has provided any noticeable benefits. Specifically is my MS any better. The answer is a definite no. In fact I’d say it’s worse but that may not be the food it could just be normal MS progression.

Veganism is not just about the food we eat it’s also about the planet we live on. Veganism is a form of Ahimsa which translated means to cause no harm to anything; animal, insect, human, myself. I sign off most of my posts with that word in which I still believe. I did not start my vegan diet to save the planet I did it more self centeredly for me.

So yesterday morning my daughter asked if I could take my granddaughter to school – sure. Near that school is a coffee shop / bakery and my wife asked me if I would pick up a muffin for her – also sure.

As I stared into the class display cabinet with the many delicious looking treats I picked a carrot muffin. This is not a vegan friendly bakery. There are no vegan options for me. If I want a muffin I’d have to drive about three kilometres to get a vegan muffin. And it was at that very moment I stopped being vegan and got two muffins. It just seemed ridiculous to me. I now know that being vegan is not helping me – what am I doing. It all came to a head as I stared into the glass display case.

Almost 24 hours after that muffin I’m up at four in the morning (got shook up by a 4.1 earthquake believe it or not) writing this post and I’m wondering if I have betrayed the vegan community.

I don’t believe I have. I just tried something that did not work. I still believe in Ahimsa and I do my best in that regard.

Yoga helps
Ahimsa
Be kind

MS Journey #41

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Connecting to a life lived

Yoga brings me to a hopeful place. My spirit is revived and I’m hopeful again about my future whatever that may be (short – ha). It’s a youthful endeavour for this old man of a time long past. It or I exists still in those moments and hope is available again. I feel enabled and alive with purpose that my youth could not possibly anticipate. But I’m here and I have landed, of which, I am very grateful.

It’s a realization of que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Could I have changed that destination. I don’t think so. I may have been able to change the route but I have arrived at the same place. It’s a time for contemplation. I think we all arrive here at some point. Do you think about your mistakes – I definitely do. I think way more about my mistakes than my accomplishments which is definitely unfair.

I can think of turning points in my life that I wish I’d made a different decision. Hindsight is not twenty twenty it sees only one side – the side you chose. Like I said it’s a fools game. But again I’m here wondering.

And when I get on the mat those life choices are distant. I’m here, I’m now, I’m within. And that is relief. It’s kind of therapy for my soul. If I was a criminal in jail, or a ruthless billionaire with an aweful trail behind me, or a monk with a life given to others, or a person with MS, practice brings me to my best self.

I realize that all that is behind is not in front. It’s gone it’s here and now in this space 27 by 72 inches. I’m insulated and I’m here because of those mistakes and accomplishments. It’s an accumulation of all that has past good or bad, right or wrong, yin or yang.

It’s not like I spend my days in regret I don’t. But I am aware that I am human and as have you; I’ve made mistakes. What a boring life it would have been if we didn’t.

Don’t you think that is a gift to be able to boil down a life and free yourself of all those past mistakes. I move and breathe in that space.

So why am I so lucky to have this solice, this reward, this gift. I was open and learned what I did not know.

Twenty eight years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It’s been quite a journey. To have made it this far relatively unscathed. And the word relatively is very relative.

I was forty one when diagnosed and I am now sixty nine. I have spent over one third of my life with MS. Think about that for a moment. I have been significantly curtailed in my life and I think of what I could have achieved if not for MS. It’s a fools game to go there but these thoughts are entertained at this stage of my life. However I count my blessings.

This is where my practice comes into play. I feel strength through practice. I’m a person with MS and over time that has significantly weakened me. I’ve deteriorated significantly in the last few years but I still get on my mat. That is a place and a reality that I feel I can actually accomplish something. I have to stay with it I need it. That need is important and somewhat necessary but practice without the need is the true freedom. The need is an expression of how much it benefits me.

I have something that restricts me and something that frees me. Yoga frees me and if you have something that restricts you I whole heartedly recommend freedom – give it a chance I think you’d be surprised. I definitely was.

Ahimsa
Be kind

Note:
This is my forty first post about Multiple Sclerosis and with fifty posts on yoga, plus poems and other blurbs. I’ve found real joy in telling my story. I truly am an average Dave whom found yoga through need. I was so incredibly lucky to have started this journey with some amazing teachers. I hope my journey will cause you whatever your situation is, to pursue this freeing existence.

I’m five years into this blog and even if these stories are becoming further apart, they render a part of my life that came at a time that represents beauty, everywhere.