I miss my practice

While I wait for Pathology to determine if cancer has spread; recovering from prostate cancer surgery has its rabbit holes that I sometimes start to wonder down.

However, at this very moment as I write this I could be peeing I’m not 100% sure. I am wearing Depends which keeps all the wet stuff inside which is obviously a relief.

I know it sounds weird to be discussing a basic human function like peeing but it’s where I am. It’s just a side affect of my type of surgery and it can take a long time to regain control.

When I got home after surgery, after catheter removal, I was getting up two or three times at night to change. The other night I did not get up at all and all was dry. This is definitely progress. It’s an unconscious process that I need to happen while I am awake. I’m working on it and I do notice improvement. I’m heading in the right direction.

My ultimate goal is to get back on my mat. That may sound lacking but if I am able to practice again it means all the other milestones have been accomplished. Yoga represents the beginning of the end of this recovery road. I know I’m more than practice but I miss it.

The physical, spiritual, and calming effects play an important role in my overall general health. And using that word, spiritual, always conjures up images of my religious upbringing. But now that word, for me, means something way different and it is as far from religion as it could possibly be.

For me it’s intuition, a knowledge and an acknowledgment of my thoughts. An understanding of who I am, who I should be, and my unexplainable connection to a life that did not occur. Signs that show me what I need to know but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. I know that sounds murky as hell but that is where I am. Maybe it’s a place yet to be attained. Maybe it’s the next life.

Nine years ago if I had read that last paragraph I’d be rolling my eyes saying this guys a whacko. And maybe I am but all I can say is that for me it’s as real as it could possibly be. My connection exists to whatever that connection is.

But whatever that spiritual component is I love my practice to flow from asana to asana. To breathe in and out with each move. To be aware of my breath and find my spirit. It’s kind, it’s calm, it’s welcoming, it’s loving.

Outside of practice I’m not always kind, calm, welcoming, or loving but it’s my goal. Yoga is very much an internal journey that helps me find my spirit, the better me, the wannabe me.

My practice also takes physical strength which I’m losing the longer I stay off my mat while I recuperate. When I get back on that mat it means that I am actually on the road to getting better.

I miss my practice.

Take care