In the weeds
I was sitting in the front yard weeding. It’s MS yard work. What I mean by that is I can actually do some yard work even though I’m 26 years in with Multiple Sclerosis. I get really dirty because I pretty much stay seated the whole time. I don’t stand up I just drag my ass around the yard. I save energy that way. I can still walk, not far, but being upright burns lots of energy.
I gave up cutting the grass, transplanting small trees, and working in the hot sun a few years ago. This has been a process of letting go over the last several years. Also I rarely fix anything in the house anymore because my coordination and dexterity suck. It’s been a process of slowly becoming un-abled – I can still cook though (food – ha).
It is a weird mindset that I am now in. I’ve spent my life doing stuff for myself mostly because I can only afford me – I’m dirt cheap – ha. I’ve fixed up every house we’ve owned and learned just about everything I need to know about renovations. Mostly self taught so lots of mistakes were made. Mistakes are good it’s a great way to learn as long as you don’t repeat the same mistakes and don’t burn the house down – ha.
I have hired someone to cut the grass, I hired someone to fix the dishwasher, my son-in-law fixed my sofa legs. When it snowed (rare occasion) I let it melt. I used to do all this work and believe it or not I liked doing it. It made me feel useful.
However I’m hitting a crossroad. Age and MS have met at that crossing and the road I take was determined long ago. Being useful has to be based on something else. What is my use.
It is not coincidence that I am writing this in my car, no lie, on an iPad waiting to pick up my granddaughter at school. Tears start coming down my face because it’s so evident. It’s right there in front of me – one of four grandkids. How lucky am I.
We are all lucky in some way. We just have to look. If you feel that usefulness has passed you by. Just look around. Help a neighbour, volunteer for any charity, speak up and be noticed, ask for help. I’m no social worker but I am learning through this journey that I am better if I’m positive. And positivity my be hard to muster, but don’t give up. I know words are easy and actions are sometimes difficult. But these words are intended to shed light in what might be a dark space. You can do it.
And while I was sitting in the dirt a neighbour walks by and stops to chat. We talk about this and that and I ask her how her husband is doing. He also is dealing with the aftermath of prostate cancer. He chose radiation I chose removal and we both have different lingering issues. She asks me how practice is going and I say I have not practiced for almost six weeks. I’m really getting into the weeds now. But I’m not going to go into all the reasons why and I just say “it is what it is”.
Simple.
And it really is simple. I have to go with the flow and I’ll get back on my mat when I get back on my mat. In the meantime Pranayama is my daily routine. It’s funny, not really, but MS is in the backseat and as backseat drivers do, it keeps telling me which way to go and how fast I should be driving. My problem is I rarely listen to them but if I don’t listen I’m going to get lost and arrive late.
It really is a journey and at the moment I am in the weeds. But I’m clearing them out. Physically, mentally, and gardening-ly. So far the yard is looking good. One down two to go.
And if I get lost or arrive late; I still got there.
May is MS awareness month and May 30 is International MS Day. This years theme is “I connect. We connect”.
Consider yourself aware – ha.
Love
Be safe
Note:
When it comes to home renovations I always hired a professional electrician