MS Journey #40

Blame the messenger

Yesterday I woke up at the top of an awesome backbend. Fully extended, legs and arms vertical, hands and feet firmly planted, feeling strong and I’ll even say comfortable. Whatever visual is going on in your head I was coming out of a dream. That would be the only place all those characteristics would occur. But it felt entirely real.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up about two hours later than yesterday. I took my MS medication last night so that is why I slept longer. MS is a disease that messes with messages about physical and other issues and puts me on an unsure foundation.

What Sundays do to me is an expression of what MS and the medication is doing to me. I feel more anxious and I feel more of a sense of doom and gloom. I am writing this on a Sunday. I think it’s a good way for you to understand MS in me. In general I look towards positive outcomes for life but on Sunday’s that changes.

I don’t do much on Sundays. I hope there is something good on TV or I’m reading something good. (Currently I’m reading The Unthetherd Soul by Micheal A. Singer).

Talking about MS is like explaining the inner me. I don’t understand the inner me so how can I explain it. Thoughts are thoughts and how I deal with them determines what makes me, me. On Sundays those thoughts are more pessimistic but I know that and those feelings are not real and will pass.

There’s also a mood component to this medication which sometimes can put me in a bad mood. It’s not me it’s the medication. Saying that sounds like a cop-out but it is true. I can also feel like I have the flu. So that is Sunday for me. It’s one day out of seven that helps make the other six days feel better. It is my only option to slow MS progression. Like MS this medication makes me feel like something is happening to me that actually isn’t. It’s about what message is sent to my brain.

It is an impression. MS gives the impression that I’m tired – I’m not. It gives the impression that my legs can’t walk – they can. It gives the impression that I’m weak – I’m not. It gives the impression that my eyes don’t work – they do. It gives the impression that I’m less – I’m not I’m more. It gives the impression that I’m tingling all over my body – I’m not. But those impressions feel real.

It is difficult to get around the fact that all these physical and mental issues caused are not actually happening. It’s just a “short” in the wiring. The insulation on the wires is coming off and causing a short in the communication to the brain. I just need some electrical tape to wrap around those areas and those impressions will go away. I just need a good electrician – ha.

My dreams are in a way also impressions. In that dream I felt the strength of that backbend and it felt real. It felt as real as any impression I’ve ever had. It was my brain believing in something that was not physically happening. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could control my mind to ignore those MS messages. It sure seems easy enough to believe in messages that are not happening.

When my brain believes something is happening then it’s happening – my reality. If MS has taught me anything it is that.

I’m not in a bad mood because someone did something to me. I’m not actually doing an awesome backbend. I can’t walk because my legs are weak. These things are happening because a message is telling my brain to think that way. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could tell my brain to think what I want it to think.

At that point we’d all be in trouble – ha.

It’s a Sunday kinda day.

Ahimsa
Choose kind