MS Journey #41

Connecting to a life lived

Yoga brings me to a hopeful place. My spirit is revived and I’m hopeful again about my future whatever that may be (short – ha). It’s a youthful endeavour for this old man of a time long past. It or I exists still in those moments and hope is available again. I feel enabled and alive with purpose that my youth could not possibly anticipate. But I’m here and I have landed, of which, I am very grateful.

It’s a realization of que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Could I have changed that destination. I don’t think so. I may have been able to change the route but I have arrived at the same place. It’s a time for contemplation. I think we all arrive here at some point. Do you think about your mistakes – I definitely do. I think way more about my mistakes than my accomplishments which is definitely unfair.

I can think of turning points in my life that I wish I’d made a different decision. Hindsight is not twenty twenty it sees only one side – the side you chose. Like I said it’s a fools game. But again I’m here wondering.

And when I get on the mat those life choices are distant. I’m here, I’m now, I’m within. And that is relief. It’s kind of therapy for my soul. If I was a criminal in jail, or a ruthless billionaire with an aweful trail behind me, or a monk with a life given to others, or a person with MS, practice brings me to my best self.

I realize that all that is behind is not in front. It’s gone it’s here and now in this space 27 by 72 inches. I’m insulated and I’m here because of those mistakes and accomplishments. It’s an accumulation of all that has past good or bad, right or wrong, yin or yang.

It’s not like I spend my days in regret I don’t. But I am aware that I am human and as have you; I’ve made mistakes. What a boring life it would have been if we didn’t.

Don’t you think that is a gift to be able to boil down a life and free yourself of all those past mistakes. I move and breathe in that space.

So why am I so lucky to have this solice, this reward, this gift. I was open and learned what I did not know.

Twenty eight years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It’s been quite a journey. To have made it this far relatively unscathed. And the word relatively is very relative.

I was forty one when diagnosed and I am now sixty nine. I have spent over one third of my life with MS. Think about that for a moment. I have been significantly curtailed in my life and I think of what I could have achieved if not for MS. It’s a fools game to go there but these thoughts are entertained at this stage of my life. However I count my blessings.

This is where my practice comes into play. I feel strength through practice. I’m a person with MS and over time that has significantly weakened me. I’ve deteriorated significantly in the last few years but I still get on my mat. That is a place and a reality that I feel I can actually accomplish something. I have to stay with it I need it. That need is important and somewhat necessary but practice without the need is the true freedom. The need is an expression of how much it benefits me.

I have something that restricts me and something that frees me. Yoga frees me and if you have something that restricts you I whole heartedly recommend freedom – give it a chance I think you’d be surprised. I definitely was.

Ahimsa
Be kind

Note:
This is my forty first post about Multiple Sclerosis and with fifty posts on yoga, plus poems and other blurbs. I’ve found real joy in telling my story. I truly am an average Dave whom found yoga through need. I was so incredibly lucky to have started this journey with some amazing teachers. I hope my journey will cause you whatever your situation is, to pursue this freeing existence.

I’m five years into this blog and even if these stories are becoming further apart, they render a part of my life that came at a time that represents beauty, everywhere.