The Journey (Part 2 of 4)
The Lows
At this point in my learning experience I have had no formal teacher training. I’m starting from scratch.
When I started teaching I was full of excitement and anticipation of what lay ahead. Learning something that I had chosen to do because of how I felt about helping someone / anyone made me feel good about myself. It was a choice I made for reasons other than responsibilities.
Life has a way of running over you and as you “grow up” it has its way of owning you. Responsibilities build up as you get older and the choices you make are based on those responsibilities. At this time in my life I made a choice not about responsibilities but about something I wanted to do because of how it made me feel. And about how I could make other people feel. I wanted to teach.
But to be painfully honest as a new assistant back when I was first learning I got it into my head that I was not worthy enough to teach or assist those in my own shala. Many of these students have been practicing for many years and have lots of experience, lots more than me – it’s kind of intimidating to say the least. They have seen me from the start and how I struggle with certain asanas. I spent more time in my head putting myself down and damaging my confidence which affected just about every aspect of the beginning of my learning process. This was a new feeling for me as most new things or jobs I have tried I’ve been successful.
There were several points where I messed up that damaged my self confidence and peoples confidence in me. I can remember once when my teacher asked me to check up on a couple of women doing Suryanamaskura A and B. She was busy at the time adjusting someone else. It was my first time doing this and I know this series like the back of my hand but somehow I did not describe it correctly – I was very nervous. It was perplexing to me that this happened and I’m sure it was at least that way to my teacher as she pointed it out from across the room. My nerves got the better of me.
A second incident happened when I was assisting an experienced very flexible women in Prasarita Padottanasana C. As I assisted her I slowly brought her hands to the floor and at some point her center of gravity came forward. Her hips came slightly over her feet which pushed me off balance and I moved slightly forward to the point where I could not bring us both back up. Another teacher in the room who was doing her practice immediately noticed, she came over and helped us both back up. Nobody was hurt, except my ego. Everyone noticed my screw up except my teacher – she was on a bathroom break. I attempted this without her in the room – another mistake. I’m so happy that another teacher was in the room for two reasons. First she got us both out of a sticky situation and second; immediately she asked me to assist her in her next asana. She knew to get my mind off my mistake – very much appreciated.
The fallout of this is my teacher wants to discuss this so we meet for coffee and I’m sure I’m going to get turfed as an apprentice. Fortunately that’s not what happened, we talked about all the things I’d done wrong and at the end of all this she said not to assist anyone in this posture for a while.
Lastly as I discuss my mistakes, pitfalls; I have concerns about how to touch women. There are lots of hands-on adjustments or assists that I have to learn and I’m very cognizant of this when assisting women. I’m mostly a shy person and my upbringing plays a part in how I touch women. I keep my hands to myself. I’m not saying I’m a saint but I’m very careful where I place my hands when assisting – it’s a concern. I talk to my teacher about this often probably to often. She does her best to make me feel comfortable with this but I’m thinking this is my biggest issue. I can eventually learn all the other stuff but getting past this means I have to get comfortable with something I’m not comfortable with. Maybe it’s a misplaced fear of mine but it’s always there and part of my nature.
This is just before #metoo and before all the shit about Pattabhi Jois came out.
So I’ve laid it out there; my fears, mistakes, and concerns. The lows of my teaching journey and there’s a bunch more that I did not bring up.
How do I or can I solve theses issues……
Next weeks post talks about the highs of my learning experience.
Ahimsa