Intention
I can remember when I was a kid living in England going to confession. I think it was on Saturday’s that we’d all line up in one line for the chance at two priests. A young guy and an old guy. I remember the old guy vividly as I was scared to death of him. The old guy was like fire and brimstone, no one wanted to go to him as he was always in a bad mood and he let you know it – I still remember his name.
This morning I got up with intention. Last night I determined that this would be the day to restart practice. It’s been 27 days since I last practiced. Feels like confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 27 days since my last practice. For your penance, my son, do sixteen jump backs, 15 backbends, and 20 Navasanas – see what I mean – he was a tough old bird – coulda used a different B word – ha.
Anyway I remember when I was running around the house checking to see if everything would be ok while I was away in Vancouver. Grabbing clothes, making sure windows were closed, heat was turned down, doors were locked etc. As I whipped though the basement I saw my mat. Might as well bring it with me I thought, I bring it everywhere I go. In the back of my mind I figured I would practice and keep my mind off all the worrisome things that were happening to my wife. Practice never happened.
I realized I have to have intention in order to practice. If my mind is not with me, it’s not with me on the mat. I discovered that I can’t get on my mat to change me. I can’t get on feeling unhappy and get off feeling happy. I can’t get on to forget something that is underway and undetermined.
There are many times when I feel like crap when I start and feel much better when I finish but that is physical.
When my Dad passed I thought about him often while I was on my mat. I thought about good times and how he made me laugh. It was cathartic, solitary, and full of thoughts. He had passed and I was dealing with it on my mat.
I could not get on my mat and practice to comfort me or forget about what was happening to my wife. If I believed in God I would prey and hope that She heard me. But I don’t and I can’t expect a similar result from getting on my mat. It does not work that way, at least not for me.
So when I get on my mat my intention is to be calm and peaceful as I move through the asanas. Thoughts will bombard me but I can usually continue and eventually arrive at some negotiated state. That was not possible during this time as my mind was away. I could not bring it along with me so I never even tried to practice.
But I did start 27 days after this all started. My wife is doing awesome now and that was the determination I needed. My intentions could now be followed.
It’s unfortunate how fast I can destroy my body. I ate way to much prepared and fast food, to much sugared creamed coffee, and calorie laden snacks etc. I’ve found that it’s going to take a while to get my practice back to where it was 27 days ago. It shows me how fast I can lose what I had gained. 27 days is by far the longest time I have not practiced.
It’s kinda appropriate that I would start this story off with an experience I had with religion. I guess when you are in a situation where all seems lost; if I was a religious person, I’d turn to God for help. But that’s not me and I would not rely on that. I could and would not count on a God saving my wife just like I can’t depend on the mat to save, or solve me.
Peace and love is all I / we need – and maybe a little chocolate every now and then.
Be safe