Where I am
This story is kinda all over the place but it arrives exactly where I am.
Over the last year and a half I’ve had to work through some scenarios that brought me to places that were difficult to inhabit. Cancer brought me there. It’s funny ‘cause when I was diagnosed with MS the doctor used Cancer to soften the blow of my MS diagnosis. He said you have Multiple Sclerosis but don’t worry you’ll probably live till you’re 90 and die of Cancer – funny eh. Irony lives here.
Life defines the terms in which we exist. And for me I’m still dealing with those terms but yoga has helped me define some of my own.
I have known for a very long time that I don’t believe in God. That does not make me a bad person which my religious upbringing would have me believe. I’m going to hell if I don’t surrender to that belief system. And fear is used as a tool to make me comply.
Throughout my life I have occasionally thought about God and my non-belief. It’s not something that concerned me or that I worried about. But I was afraid to come out of the closet if I may use that metaphor. And about 25 years ago I looked into Buddhism because a friend of mine followed that path and I wanted to know more about it. Maybe it’s for me, but I discovered it’s not.
Am I weird if I don’t fit into some belief system? Some may have thought that I needed one over this last little while…
However these past nine or so years through my yoga journey, thoughts became more prevalent about my non-belief. I began to accept it and to even proclaim it. Yoga provided the space for me to ferment. I’m not saying yoga changed me, it didn’t, yoga allowed me to develop. Yoga allowed me to find myself. And in this very trying time I found out that I do fit.
The last time I practiced was over two months ago, two days before my surgery. I visited a teacher whom I respect, and has had the most influence on my yoga journey – it was important for me to go there. And in this moment I’ll pay homage. Teachers and the environment that they create plays an enormous role in how yoga digests. My journey has gone through phases and levels of maturity. I was so fortunate to spend my most absorbent time at this teachers shala.
I think it will be a long while before I can do full primary again. I hope to get on my mat within a few days even if that is only for a couple of sun salutations.
I was drawn to Ashtanga yoga because the website that described the practice indicated that this yoga fit any constitution.
Thoughtful caring teachers whom gained my love and respect, helped me explore.
And nine years later I’m still me.
Take care
Note:
I am not advocating atheism. I have no idea what belief system may be held by any of my teachers, most of my friends, and or my fellow yogis. I have no reason to know.
Wonderful post David xox