Yoga Journey #53

Let go

Approximately three and a half years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Several months after that I had my prostate removed. A couple of months after that I got sepsis from a stuck kidney stone that had turned infectious. In that second hospital stay I was finally informed that they got all the cancer out with the prostate (it was Covid time and it took a very long worrisome time to get those results from my prostate removal biopsy). A few months after that I had another stuck kidney stone which also required surgery to remove. And all the while I still have MS.

Before prostate surgery I weighed 154 pounds and practice was full primary. Today I weigh 162 pounds and practice is about half primary. It has taken almost three years just to get to this point. I did not rush it (obviously) and there were a couple of other stops and starts along the way.

I let my body inform my progress. I did not push myself other than to get on the mat. It’s that simple. Even if I just sat on it I was there. I made the trip from upstairs to the basement. It literally started as one sun salutation. The next day I did two – it was all I could muster. I had no time frame I just knew I had to start.

The hardest part is to begin. I had no goals no targets no absolutes. I just knew I had to start. I would fantasize about what I wanted to accomplish but it was never an objective. The objective is to get on the mat. I will start and see where that takes me. That to me is an important distinction of the end point. There isn’t one.

My practice informs me of where I can go. What I’m able to do and what I’m not willing to try. But I may be willing to try it down the road. The beauty of practice is that it’s a progression. Each asana informs the next asana and I listen to what my body is telling me. It’s an understanding that time is of no consequence. I’m not on a schedule. However by default I am progressing. But it’s not required – it’s not a goal it’s a simple mindset that frees discovery.

My practice continues to evolve. I still follow the sequence but I leave out some asanas. I know I’m not ready for them yet and I may never be ready. I let my body inform me of what and what not to do. I’m proud that I have the capability to understand yoga enough to prescribe for myself – thank you my teachers. I hope that does not mean I have a fool for a client – ha.

Two and half years ago I was able to do only one sun salutation and to be honest it was not easy. But I started. As I write this I now get on my mat three to five times a week. My practice is 25 minutes standing asanas, 23 minutes sitting asanas, and 21 minutes pranayama. That’s an evolution without a destination. Kinda like the universe it just keeps on expanding without destiny.

I’ve always been a results oriented person. My career depended on that mindset. One of my responsibilities was to manage a group of project managers. Deadlines, goals, milestones are top of job. But those were requirements of outside influences that were imposed on me. And I in turn imposed on someone else.

I no longer have outside influencers. Be them job related or health related. The health one still exists but on the mat it is just me with all my encumbrances. I’ve realized I’m finally free. Free to evolve at my own pace. My ego no longer plays a role in progression. I simply enjoy where my practice takes me physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s an awakening of if I just let go; I will go further than ever before.

Ahimsa